keep your diamond rings

a lover I am not

nor shall I ever be

to fall into another's arms

is simply not for me

I used to be a skeptic

that true love could exist

I acknowledge it can happen

but by me it will be missed

don't ask me for a reason

it's just a fancy I believe

mirth is no attendant 

but don't think that I grieve

too much of life is spent

searching for your other half

I would rather spend my time

puzzling over math

life is too short

with the world going to pot

there is much to do, much to be

but a lover I am not. 

while schroeder plays

my butt's getting flat
and it's only been an hour
I forgot to sleep last night
and I didn't take a shower
went through all my contacts
from A down through Y
too bad I don't know a Zach
I think I'm gonna try
it made me melancholy
seeing names I used to know
I wish I hadn't looked
wish work wasn't so slow
I stare at the phone
waiting for it to ring
but it just says 'missed call'
I want a barbecued wing
Tasha brings me chicken fingers
close enough I say
Another morning at the office
on a Charlie Brown kind of day.

clementines

sunshine & flowers
swinging for hours
pickles & cheese
a good crisp breeze
holding new babies
raking leaves with old ladies
new friendships made
fresh squeezed lemonade
motorcycle rides
watching incoming tides
bare feet in sand
holding my daddy's hand
ridiculous behavior
the love of my Savior
laughing & crying
failing & trying
talking to Elaine
dancing through rain
sisters, mom & Hannah
foolery with Anna
joy that is rife
I am thankful for Life.

Pretender

tell me how it is
to walk this road alone
how you start the day
where you go to roam
tell me what you do
when no one cares again
how much you despise
when you just bleed again
tell me what to think
when they give up on me
when love is hard to find
when darkness cuts me deep
tell me where to go
and how you sleep at night
I'm running out of answers
I'm running out of time
tell me just how close
you've come to the end
and where do you stop
so I don't have to pretend

in my parallel universe

somedays I wish

I had no brain

to think or condemn me

I'd make bad choices 

all day long

with no guilt to attend me

I'd drink too much

and drive too fast

up all the one-way streets

I'd be cross

and punch my boss

I'd steal old ladies seats

I'd go on dates 

with 100 boys

all within a week

I'd start fires

slit some tires

whatever havoc I could wreak

sometimes I think 

about sitting around

a fire and smoking pot

but then I think

to myself

'hmm, better not.'

With Out You.

its different than I imagined
this life with out you
there's good days and bad days
and days I'm totally through
I can feel the freedom
a little more than the ache
this distance surprises me
its not more than I can take
this life without you
I must say is quite nice
even when your face appears
in my dreams more than twice
I won't say its been easy
cuz I know I'm no fool
this pain has taken it's toll
but I'm no body's foot stool
there's a line I must draw
before I'm gone in the rush
and its far too late for anything
so please baby just hush.

muck & mire

when the muck
and the mire
and the all around yuck
try to get you down
and you've run out of luck
when the road is too bumpy
and you can't see the way
when friends are a memory
and your feet turn to clay
don't dismay
don't turn back
push ahead
when your sky's black
don't give up
don't give out
keep your course
on the track
hold onto your faith
when your eyes cannot see
grasp onto hope
when it's easiest to flee
forgive your enemies
and especially your friends
make amends when it hurts
make love your endeavor
cuz at the end of the day
that's what lasts forever.

when pigs fly

someday I'll be a cool kid
the subject of all the talk
I'll strut my stuff around the town
with a swag in my walk
I'll never have bad hair days
or nights or afternoons
I'll always look just perfect
instead of like a baboon
I'll say clever things, like all the time
you'll think I'm quite the brain
I'll start the show and lead the way
on the cool kid train
someday I'll be the cool kid
someday that will be me
but until then I'll be picking my nose
upside down in a tree.

dis-enchanted

My idea of you was a nice one

I sketched you out in my head

You made a charming figure

A disillusioning spread

I filled you in with color

Each stroke made you more real

Even a great discrepancy

Isn't difficult to conceal

Time discloses much

That research can't find out

As nice as a mural may be

It holds a disadventagous lack of clout

I thought you'd always love me

I thought I wished it to be so

But what I thought I now do not

You were never meant to be my beau

Forgive me lovely canvas

For throwing you away

Your design was enchanting

But your falsity led me astray

As the painting falls from my hands

I begin to reminisce

But I realize there's nothing left to hold onto

Nothing left to miss. 

whilst I walk this winding way

Be near me

Lord be near

In my doubt

And in my fear 

Take me away

Beyond the sky

Don't leave me here

Don't let me die

Be near me

Lord be near

Let all things fade

And disappear

Excepting this

Your love alone

Don't take it now

This far from home

Be near me

Lord be near

To wipe away

This falling tear

Forsake me not

I do implore

Til I arrive

At heaven's door. 

wet pavement

what a thoughtful descension

rain is to rhyme

a steady sensation

removing the grime

from the colorless street

well-trodden and dreary

cleansing a mind

laden and weary

with worries and cares

of present and past-tense

with a touch of despair

and such frivolous nonsense

the pitter-patter of droplets

distracts from the pathetic

lifting my spirits 

to the poetically aesthetic

if only the rain

would continue to fall

my pen would keep writing

and my troubles would stay small. 

my best friend's boyfriend's sweatshirt

I have my best friend's boyfriend's

sweatshirt on

not for any reason

I just found it

in my car

how bizarre

I like big sweatshirts

they are so warm

especially when

I'm feeling forlorn

when worn it's like 

a great big hug

like a bug

all snug in a rug

who came up with that anyway

what a weird thing to say

but I suppose it must be comfy

like this sweatshirt is

someday I'll get a boyfriend

so I can wear his. 

Still Making My Day

I never told you I didn't want to leave
but I never heard you call back for me
whatever happened to forever
just like you said it would always be
I was changed the day you had me
I tried to give you something you could keep
I guess what I had wasn't enough
or maybe you saw what I couldn't be
My regrets have all come and gone
But I still know I've got it all wrong
My independence I'll never lose
But when it comes to you I can't be strong
Who knew I would fall this way
And who knows if it's gonna end up ok
Because even when you're not in my life
You still are making my day

Prison Break

seeping into my veins
I try to run for cover
this night won't ever end
darkness reaching over
I'm alone in my dreams
crying out for a redeemer
who will come to free me
I want to become a believer
blood has stained my hands
encaging my soul in darkness
shackles rub raw my ankles
every night leaving me sleepless
I have my times of freedom
only to wake up from that lie
who am I to be fooled
when I know I don't even try
I was placed in this prison
but by my very own hands
there is no other to be blamed
I only do what they demand
life will continue to go on
the sun will never stop rising
and in the end its me who dies
and the will to stop comprising

Only In My Dreams

I've woken from this dream
Wishing I had stayed asleep
If only I had the time to relive
Those moments I couldn't keep
I'm fighting back the urge
To crawl back inside my bed
For only when I fall back asleep
Memories of you come to fill my head
Somehow we never had enough time
It was lost even from the start
And now I know those fleeting glances
Will never satisfy my beating heart
We can never really fully understand
What we have until it disappears
But now I'm regretfully realizing
I never had you_you were never near
The moments we could have shared
Have gone before they came
But the legacy you've suddenly left behind
Will now drive me to do the same

I don't cry

I don't care
and it's no lie
our best moment together
was saying goodbye
I don't miss you
not even a little
not one jot
smidgin or tittle
I smile big
cuz you're not on my mind
I'm so unattatched
So unconfined
I don't cry
when I think of you
I just thank God
hallelujah, we're through!

at the boston public

might I find

an answer here

amongst these timeless pages

immortal words

engraved on stone

but oh, my headache rages

I need to sit

to lie, to sleep

to close my eyes

collapse in a heap

but I am in a library

and Ben Franklin has his eye on me. 

3 feet

3 feet back

Was the end of my rope

I was trying to hold on

But I slipped

Every twist and turn

Is another crash and burn

If there was a lesson to learn

I forgot it

3 feet long

My list of reasons why

Too bad it's in shreds

Along with my mind

My hands have no skin

What kind of sin

Am I being punished for

Again and again

3 feet under

Only halfway down

Finish me off

Or let me take a breath

Push me til I stumble

Kick me when I'm down

I'm too tired of fighting

I have nothing left. 

no-clothes wednesdays

Mondays are swell

And Tuesdays are fine

But No-Clothes Wednesdays

Are simply divine

There's something about

A breeze you can feel

All the way down

From your head to your heel

I can look good

In a dress or a boot

My favorite, however

Is my birthday suit

The joy it produces

The freedom it brings

Nothing compares

It gives me wings

Who observes this day

No one can tell

But we're happy and free

And it's all naturelle. 

Robots Don't Cry

Shock numbs the pain

But only for a time

It sets up a defense

Ignoring the crime

Function continues

As if we're machines

Until it all blows

To smithereens

This world cares not

Whether my heart stays whole

It doesn't repent

Doesn't try to console

'Blue Skies' plays

To the beat of my tears

The music is lively

And nobody hears

So calloused we seem

So fragile we are

Humanity's children

Not one without a scar

Will I bleed forever?

Stuck inside this skin?

I wonder if it'd be easier

To be made of tin.

The Restoring of a Heart

Don't doubt My love

Just because you can't feel it

It's not up for grabs

No one can steal it

This desert wandering

Is only a season

I haven't let you down

I didn't die for no reason

Are you surprised this life

Has let you down?

Did you forget these garlands

Don't compare with My crown?

Has not My providence

Been repeatedly proven?

Where is your faith

That you've been disillusioned?

Yes, you've been abandoned

But not by Me

Let the bitterness go

I've nailed it to the tree

No scheme of man

No hurt, push or shove

Nothing can separate

You from My love.

Brave

To the one who thinks strength

Resides in her fist

Whose natural impulse

Is always to resist

To the girl on the run

Who won't give up the chance to try

Who stands her ground

With chin held high

To her who glories

In a good, tough fight

Undaunted by foes

And friends alike

You don't have to be so tough

It's ok to let go

Every question's answer

You don't have to know

Giving up your resistance 

Is not the same as giving in

There are worthier causes

Better wars to win

Walls provide protection

But only form a grave

Step out of your armor

Find the Strength to be brave. 

how to succeed at nothing

this is what sucks:

after all the work

the prayer

the hurt

dying to myself

denying myself

and all the trying

nights I stay up

to seek the right

the fight inside

that pulls

and pushes

the crying

and crying out for help

all the times

I’ve bit my tongue

come undone

to repent

the rights of others

I have wronged

the wrongs made right

none of it matters

cuz in the end

according to you

I’m still a righteous bitch.

for the sorrow yet to come

Make me worthy

To give You glory

Through each and every test

Wake me up

When I am drowsy

Do not let me rest

Plant my feet

Upon the Rock

So I will not lose ground

Let Your voice

Resonate

Over every other sound

Grant me courage

To fight on

When I begin to succumb

Promise me

You'll give me strength

For the sorrow yet to come.

The Populous & Me

It's so easy

To walk hand in hand

She talks freely, openly

No doubt he understands

Two kids at a store

They can't be out of school

They don't know who they are

But the other one seems cool

A couple on a bench

It's funny how time flies

Age has caused wrinkles

But only near their eyes

The ring catches sunlight

Her heart he has won

She shows it off proudly

She knows he's 'the one'

A duo out to dinner

A twosome by a tree

It's just so easy

For everyone but me.

Trampled

Dear Jesus hold her now

I can't reach

I can't teach

The meaning of love

I'm just one girl

Who doesn't know

With nothing to show

I don't know her

She's only thirteen

Yet already used

Battered, abused

By the man she should trust

I can't take it God

She was too young

If she were only a son

Instead of a daughter

I cry bitter tears

It's not fair

But tears don't repair

A trampled heart

Don't leave her alone

Keep Your vow

Hold her now

Because I can't reach.

Cracked

I don't ask for safety
From the storm
Let it beat me down
Till I'm lost and forlorn
Leave me in the dark
Without a guide
Strip me of everything
Including my pride
I don't need protection
From the hurt
It's expected here
Down in the dirt
Let the blade of this knife
Sink into my heart
It's cracked already
Rend it apart
I don't ask for answers
To shed some light
On why I cried myself
To sleep last night
But please dear God
In my distress
Make something beautiful
Out of this mess.

Beautiful Unknown

Confusion
It's nothing new
I guess it keeps me
Running to You
Rain on my window
Thunder in my sky
Strangely bringing comfort
To my troubled mind
Maybe that's the answer
Simplicity
When we all strive so hard
To be all that we can be
Perhaps the point was lost
Somewhere along the way
Trying to figure out tomorrow
Instead of living for today
Discontentment
A familiar feeling
Yet almost peaceful
As my mind is reeling
I know You're here
With outsretched hand
Come walk with me
Through this untrodden land.

Something Extraordinary

I wish I had something
Profound to say
An unusual happening
That occurred today
But as I look back
Over the hours
They were just as productive
As painting flowers
Nothing went wrong
Nothing went right
Just another day
Already slipped into night
So as much as I'd love
To write something inspiring
My words would only serve
To be useless and tiring
There is just one thought
Coherent at least
That remains with me now
When all others have ceased
I wish you were here
Amidst all this ordinary
To make each day
Something extraordinary.

Pina Colada

I drive up to the window
What a nice sunny day
What a nice looking man
Then I'm struck with dismay
I don't know what to order
I can't read the sign
Coffee or tea?
A smoothie would be fine
Too many flavors
All behind my review mirror
Would it be so difficult
To move the list nearer?
Then it catches my eye
The very last one
Pina colada
My thinking is done
"Would you like whipped cream?"
What a silly question
"Yes please," I say
For it is my secret obsession
I drink it too fast
No need to be surreptitious
It's worth the cold attack
Because it is delicious.

Run

I've brought you through fire
Given a breath of fresh air
The heat has cleansed
The oxygen repaired
I've brought you down low
So I could lift you up
Emptied you out
So I could fill you up
You've tasted the bitterness
Experienced relief
Been caught in the whirlwind
Joy mixed with grief
Now are you ready?
To come walk with Me?
It's a slow, steady incline
The end you cannot see
It won't be too glamorous
Nor too dreadful a ride
Just a hill slanting upward
With Me by your side
You'll learn of My love
As we head towards the sun
And we'll walk on like this
Til you find the strength to run.

Ashes

A dream tightly gripped
By two feeble hands
Attatched to a string
Of plans and demands
An object, an idol
The possession of which
Could numb the wound
Impossible to stitch
A promising future
Castles in the sky
Awakened longing
Almost realized
A tap on the shoulder
Your words pierce my soul
"Do you trust Me?" You ask
"Enough to let go?"
My wish! My dream!
Yet I choose to trust
I open my hand
Revealing ashes and dust
Forgive misplaced hope
My humbled heart implores
Take this empty hand
And fill it with Yours.

Take 22

Blank pages scare me
It's as if they have eyes
Piercing to my very soul
Past my cheap disguise
Searching out the deeper part
Of all that lies within my heart
Unafraid of hurts
Undaunted by my dreams
Used to my ramblings
My emotional extremes
Clean and white and waiting
Eagerly anticipating
That's why it's hard for me
To pick up my pen and write
To disappoint my paper
And give myself a fright
For fear of when it is done
It will come out just like this one.